Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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