You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
birth control should be required to get into college
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
