You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
