At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
