Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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