I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i think my cat just said my name.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
