yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
