Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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