sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
