Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize