I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
