It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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