Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
