I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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