I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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