I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
