Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize