dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
