Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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