He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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