My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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