This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
