The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
