I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
