I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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