you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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