So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
