Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
