You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
