It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
