I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
