Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
