He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
