i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
