I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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