Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
