when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
