If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
