Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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