Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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