She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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