That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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