Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How's work?
Spinning.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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