If i come over, it means nothing
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize