just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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