I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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