This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
