you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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