Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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