I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
