We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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