The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize