My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
