margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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