Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
