Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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