i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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